Is it possible to initially not trust someone and they somehow grow on you and trust comes with time?  Or do you believe that if there is no trust from the get-go, there never will be?

I think trust is something we earn. And I do believe some people grow on you.

Im still having a hard time fully trusting my other half. In the beginning of our relationship I did filly and we lived quite aways away, but the he cheated on me, hacked my e-mail accounts, had people watching me all the while he was the one messing around.Now he's very secretive, leading me to think something might be going on, and my hand are tied as to what I should do or say. Sorry for the rambling.

No need to apologize joerebecca. Sounds like you needed to get it off your chest.  As they say in psychology, those that cast blame and do the sneaky things like your husband is doing is usually the guilty party.  Instead of admitting their own wrongdoing, they blame. 

The aforementioned question I posted - If you post something - "Trying to help a friend" nobody will answer you.  Honestly, that is what I am trying to do. My friend is in the above situation.  You see, I believe is trust is earned and you can learn to trust someone, but there's a lot of room for IT AIN'T HAPPENIN'!  Like my friend, he and I had dated years before he got married and we simply stayed friends.  To this day, his wife is still freaked out and jealous. For what?  If he and I were meant to be together, he never would have married her!  Put it all into perspective!  But...every time he threatens to leave - well they have 4 kids..there's your answer.  It's just this type of person that lives on envy, jealousy, manipulation and deception - I don't think happiness or trust would grow on me.

My friend's situation sounds like the way your husband is with you.  Manipulative.  No matter what you say, it will be misinterpreted by him and/or twisted to make you look like the evil one.  Hacking your email accounts - first off what I recommend is you clear your cache file on your computer so he doesn't know what sites you went to.  No trace.  I had an abusive husband and that is what the domestic violence people recommended first and foremost. That info is used to beat you, hate you, accuse you and trash you whether or not it was anything important.  Next...set up an email that he doesn't know about.  I had set one up in ihateclowns.com...LOL!....Everyone was sending email there so when my main e-mail was hacked he found nothing.  But...I have to admit that he and I were both guilty. I broke into his files and e-mail right before we were divorced wherein I presented evidence of 20 memberships/profiles to singles sites while we were married and I took letters/emails that he had been writing to his girlfriends.  Needless to say, he was mighty quiet in Divorce Court.  I didn't want anything but out...but he knew I could screw him royally on grounds of adultery so he kept quiet and we parted amicably.  Normally, I didn't care what he did.  I didn't spy on him or anything..just during divorce.  It was in my best interest. 

Last thought for you, I would leave him.  Once a cheater, always a cheater it seems.  Only on rare occasions will they change.  I keep going back to the thought that without trust, you don't have a relationship, you coexist only.  Anyone deserves better than that.  People need to be with someone they trust. 

 

 

About the situation with my friend, I wrote about him and deleted it.  Just kept my question simple.  He got married cause she told him she was pregnant, but she wasn't.  She got him a job so he could pay on HER house - his name was never on it. Right around their first year anniversary, they had their first child that my friend didn't think was his.  He had come home from work early one day to find her in lingerie - WHAT FOR??  He wasn't expected to come home early.  HMMM....Before their 2nd anniversary, she wasn't making house payments so their home was foreclosed and they lived with his parents for 2-1/2 years, at which time child #2 was created.  They moved to another state.  But their relationship has had issues every year they have been together - finances, his dad passed away, a few more kids.  The reason I asked if a person can eventually be trusted is because when they got married, she was about 33 and he was about 40 something.  She's been around long enough to learn the art of manipulation - obviously.  The kids came about during marital conflicts so he wouldn't leave.  It's this ongoing thing - I personally could not develop trust EVER.  She never seemed willing to change for the better.  I have been trying to be delicate with my friend because he's been there 12 years, can't afford to leave because of child support, but he's not happy.  I suppose in some abstract fashion, I was trying to figure out if there could be trust anyway...somewhere....grabbing at straws I know.  It just seems nicer to be positive, but a friend will be honest and not set them up for a fall.  Also, I find it odd that they live across the country from me, but she's still  threatened by my existence.  She's in her mid 40s with children - GROW UP!!!  It makes me wonder why I am considered "the threat' when it hasn't happened since I don't believe in adultery and is not possible since we live far away...so how guilty is the accusing worrier??  It's easy for me to state HELL NO ON THE TRUST.  But, admittedly, my opinion is biased because I care about my friend. I always have and I always will.  This is why I requested input on trust.  I am trying to see how other people would deal with this if it were them.  I don't wish to tell my pal what a skank he's married to.  I want to present something more objective, instead of subjective.  The rude, one-sided conversation is too easy and I think he deserves a more honest/better answer than that. 

There are lots of types of cheating. the most dangerous type is emotional. That's why she is jealous of you. If you really want to help him, just listen. Don't give advice, he just needs a shoulder. She already tells him what to do. Most of the time when we talk about our troubles. We are not expecting you to help solve our problem. we're just venting. Some times if we can say it out loud, the picture gets clearer. Just be there for him. He will work it out.

Tricia, thanks...I just hate it when my friends ask, "What should I do?"  I will think of a creative way to take the 5th Amendment, no comment...LOL! Appreciate your input!