Blessings Mish
Congratualtions on recognizing the value of the experience you are now having!. This is indeed a time which holds great acheivement on a personal level for you, but you need to be free of distractions in order to do so.
The fact that you recognize your destructive thoughts and behaviour means that you can also begin to change those things by turning them into something positive every time they come up.
We recommend the use of 'affirmations' or prayer, to help you re-program your conscious mind onto thoughts that are more constructive for you. You need to do a task which is in two stages: first - write down on a piece of paper all the things you truly value about yourself. It doesn't matter what these things are. It could be physical, mental, spiritual or emotional. It could be about something you've done which made you feel good. Read them aloud each night before you go to sleep for one week.
Second - write down on another piece of paper all the things you would like to be and the elements you would like to have in your life (i.e: fulfillment, love, peace etc.) Make sure you start each sentance with "I WILL" or "I AM" or "I HAVE". Do not use words like "try" or "I want". If you 'want' something, then you will always be wanting, and it will remain one step beyond your reach. This is because you create your own reality with your thoughts, words and actions. That is the kind of energy pattern that 'wanting' sets up in your life and the instructions you are giving the universe.
Read the words aloud each night for two more weeks. When you read, summon the emotion of what you are saying. In other words: project love to yourself as you do these tasks, and don't just give them 'lip service'. To help you raise positive feelings, use visionary tools like imagining yourself somewhere in your life where you felt truly happy. If you cannot remember a time like that, then imagine what it would be like.
You are only 'crippled' if you believe yourself to be so and you allow your fears to do just that. You alone have the power to change your life.